I was told by my friend/boss recently that working with me was like buying a brand new Ferrari and driving the speed limit. She said, “If you would ever accept the gifts that God has given you and step into that authority you could do so much more!” Wow. Ok. That analogy resonated. Because my entire life I have struggled with inferiority and worthlessness, and not because I didn’t have people around me who haven’t tried to convince me otherwise. It has been a constant source of frustration to my mother, my husband, and now my 11-year-old daughter, who among her many gifts, has the gift of speaking life. But the inferiority and worthlessness have been a mantle that I wear and am afraid to cast off. I fear the responsibility. I fear the inevitable failure that comes after success. I fear those that I will let down. But maybe most of all, I fear that if I ever have the courage to drive above the speed limit, that I might lose my freedom.
As I say it out loud, I feel how selfish that sounds. My freedom. I like to be able to have my down time. I like being able to go where I want when I want. I have been blessed with a husband who has a job that allows me to stay home if I want, but I work part time at a job that gives me a lot of freedom. It’s not that I don’t want responsibility. I have it. It’s not that I don’t want to help others and make a difference. I do. But I’m staring down the glistening stretch of the Autobahn, no speed limit signs in sight, and I just can’t do it. I can’t take that next step to do more, whatever that looks like. My Ferrari engine purrs along at a sedate 55 miles an hour.
I wonder how many of you are like me? I haven’t written any of this in boast. I’m writing this, because as I reflect on this apt analogy of our self limitations and imagine what our world would look like if we pushed past 55 and sought the limit of our abilities and the gifts that God has given us . . . what could we do? God created each of us, and I look at the natural world, also created by God, and the wonders that exist there. The glorious coral reefs full of colorful, vibrant life. The perfect camouflage of certain creatures. The breathtaking mountains that, as we look at them, transport us back to the most primal parts of ourselves. The colors of the sky as the sun sets. Are we exempted, as the pinnacle of God’s creation, from those wonders? I don’t think so. Surely we all contain abilities and gifts and glory that match and exceed those found in the natural world?
I don’t know what seeking the limit of my abilities looks like. Parts of me don’t entirely want to. My corner of the world is safe. It is known. Driving the speed limit won’t take me down in a fiery crash. It won’t wound me. It won’t take too much from me. But then again, don’t we all owe it to each other to use our gifts to make our world something better? Doesn’t our Maker, who gave us extraordinary abilities, deserve to see the fruit of His labor and bask in the glory we will give Him? Isn’t there suffering in around us that might be alleviated if we just push a little harder on that accelerator?
I pray for guidance. I pray to know what it looks like to explore the limit of my abilities. But most of all, right now, I pray to WANT to.
Five Dog Bend 